Conspiracy theory

I try to eat healthier than I used to. Not necessarily healthy, but healthier. I'll take several pieces of fruit to work to eat over the course of the day. Today I also brought in a package of vegan brown rice cakes and some whipped cream cheese. Velvety smooth with crunch. Mmmm. Nutritious and yet spiritually fulfilling. When I tried to spread the cream cheese on the first rice cake, it shattered. Remember dear reader, the cream cheese had already been whipped, and in no need whatsoever of softening. With all the technological advances our species has made, why can't we rely on the structural integrity of rice cakes? As is my habit, I whined about this to a co-worker. She told me she never has problems applying spreads to rice cakes. Then it hit me. If I and other males are faced with the certain fragmentation of our snacks, we will be less likely to eat them. Undoubtably, we will turn to more convenient, less healthy, even unhealthy alternatives for our noshing pleasures. This would in turn, shorten our life spans. Natural selection at work? Or a misandro-vegan conspiracy? Both perhaps. I'll just use extra cream cheese as spackle to repair the damaged cake, maybe bring in some ham for reinforcement. I hear an urgent refrain from Valhalla: "Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam."