Dear Mr. Chertoff

Yesterday was one of the very best days of my life! Sadly dear reader, the reasons why are not really any of your business. I hope you won't be hurt or offended. You'll just have to take my word for it. A trip to Newport, on the Oregon coast was the setting. Blog fodder, really good blog fodder can prove elusive to find. The trick is not to look, but to be aware. Peripherally. When spotted, it is almost always redolent in its splendor. And so it was yesterday. In the checkout line at the Newport Thriftway, the cashier at our line was talking to the cashier at the next line over. Utterly dumbfounded, she couldn't fathom why some guy had purchased "two things of parsley." I assume she was referring to two "bunches" of parsley, but "things" works well for me. She barely acknowledged our presence, and I took absolutely no offence, intrigued by the gravity of someone buying that much parsley. I think she may have said "Have a nice day," as we left the store, but really didn't care whether she had or not. Now it was I who wanted, needed to know why this nameless, faceless guy had bought that much parsley. The transaction could have taken place minutes earlier, the night before, or days ago. Anytime! I preferred to think it happened a few minutes before closing time, by someone with rapid eye movements, afraid to make direct eye contact, for fear of being recognized, or remembered. What could someone do with that much parsley? I recall a recipe from a cooking show in which a lot of minced parsley is mixed with butter, and then worked under the skin of a chicken, to baste the meat during baking. Too elegant for the guy I was picturing in my mind. Maybe it could serve as an organic replacement for the plastic grass in an Easter basket. I doubt it. This is, after all, August. The parsley simply wouldn't last until next Spring. Satisfying some bizarre garnish fetish? Probably not. Too easy. Besides, aren't all garnish fetishes bizarre by definition? Does parsley have some mind-altering effects? I could be on to something here, dear reader. A little research later, and I discovered that the oil of parsley seeds contains apiole, a non-amine precursor of 2,5-dimethoxy-3,4-methylenedioxyamphetamine or DMMDDA. Aha! But, though useful as a stomachic, it is contraindicated because psychotropically effective doses are toxic to the liver and harmful to the kidneys. And the last time I checked, parsley "things" don't have any seeds from which to extract oil. I gave up. It was fun for a while, but had run its course through my mind. I thought back to the overly-vigilant concern the cashier had exhibited. What would or could someone do with two "things" of parsley? Certainly nothing good. The Department of Homeland Security should have been notified at once.